My Best Yes Week 1: Saying Yes to What's Right Even if it Feels Personally "Wrong"

I mask it well, but I have a lot of social anxiety. While I love to try new things and have the experience of meeting new people, actually making myself do it is hard. I get cranky and defensive anytime I'm going anywhere in a new group setting or even going to see an old group I haven't seen in awhile.  (People who live with me know that the worst time to try to talk to me is right before I have to leave to go to a party or another social gathering I am wound so tight before I leave that it's hard for me not to scream or cry or both.). My instinct is, always, to not go.  It feels like the way out the door is paved with sinking sand in which I will get submerged and smother. My chest feels tight.  My mouth feels dry. My instinct is to hide under the covers forever. I cover all this with friendliness and buoyancy, but that is how I cope once I get there because that is how I know I need to act to be friendly. That is not the instinct in my heart. 

 When I do get out, I get exhausted after more than an hour in most group settings.  I always seem to talk too much and say the wrong things.  The only time I am comfortable in social settings is if I have something to do i.e. cook, decorate, put up chairs, clean up the meal.  When I was younger I did a lot of activities in school and nearly always took on a leadership role because leaders are often too busy for most small talk.  I love book clubs or meetings about specific causes because the social perimeters are already in place and well defined.  I adored doing theatre and music because my parts/roles were well defined and since I was busy pretending to be someone else, I got to spend less time being myself (a person I pretty much hated at the time).  Just going to a get together for purely social reasons is hard--very hard--for me.  Work parties (before I became a stay at home mom) made me anxious for days ahead of time and these were people I loved and already saw every day! It's not that I don't have enjoyable moments once I'm "there," but getting there is a challenge for me and it takes a lot out of me.  I know it is "worth it," but it always feels uncomfortable and wrong to make myself do it.

Of course, this whole anxiety problem of mine has never been ideal because I have never lived more than eight years in any town/place ever.  That means every eight years or less (usually less) of my thirty three years on earth so far, I've had to go out and make all new friends. Over the years, I've gotten better at pulling the bandaid off and forcing myself to make efforts quickly, because the sooner I can make a few friends in an area, the sooner I can stop forcing myself to go to a lot of places filled with strangers to make friends.  

This has also meant that finding a church is hard for me. In fact, I have not regularly attended a church in years. I am intimidated especially by the large churches prevelant in my area.  I fear walking in alone and not connecting with anyone or having them judge me by my social ineptitude. Still, I know I want my boys to grow ip in a church and I want myself to connect with other Christians. So, my best "yes" this week is to "make" myself try another church.  Feel the fear and do it anyway, right?