Tomorrow is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  For many kids it is a holiday from school.  My first years in school, it was not just a holiday, but also the first part of a week or so spent learning about the civil rights movement and Martin Luther King as a leader.  I did not realize until I grew up that was not how the holiday was celebrated everywhere in the United States.  My schooling kindergarten through second grade was a bit unusual in that it took place entirely on military bases in Germany and then in Missouri.  I had no idea that while the schools I attended spent multiple days talking about the holiday and its historical importance that only 27 states and Washington DC (along with military base schools all over the world) were actually celebrating it.  It was a federal holiday, but many states decided not to observe it.  I also had no idea that the holiday had only first been celebrated the January before my fifth birthday.  Mine was only the second kindergarten class, ever, to celebrate it.  When my mother had started kindergarten in 1967, a federal holiday revering Martin Luther King, Jr. would have seemed impossible.

How could I have known all this?  Even if someone had told me, I wouldn't have cared that it was so new.  I was only a child and, to me, everything was new.  So, to me, it was completely normal that a conservative president had signed into law a federal holiday celebrating a civil rights leader that had been investigated by the FBI just over twenty years before.  It was how things should be, had always been, would always be.  That's how things are with us, aren't they?  We see progress as it has led up to today as inevitable and immutable.  Even the most cynical among us who would never dream of the future being better than today, often look upon the past as a stepping stone to today.  What we have now is always "normal" and is always better than what came before.

We don't realize how fragile "normal" is or how quickly progress can slip from our fingers until it starts happening.  The same pen that signs a federal holiday like MLK into law can change the holiday to "Great Americans Day" in Biloxi, Mississippi.  In other words, nothing is permanent or assured.  Steps forward do not prevent steps backward.  I feel foolish now for putting so much trust in progress that can still easily be stripped away.  If I had known how quickly our government would be attempting to repeal the little healthcare progress we've made, women's rights, and LGTBQ rights, would I have fought harder with my loved ones who disagreed?  I knew enough to not assume that all candidates were equal in the election, but did I really understand the fragility upon which my children's definition of  "normal" was balanced?  Those who keep telling me not to worry, that it will be okay and that transitions happen all the time, and I should "get over" this election,  they don't seem to recognize the precipice we now find ourselves standing on.  They still assume that "normal" will hold us "safe," but just as we can take steps forward, we can also take them backwards.  Assuredly, we will find ourselves in a new "backwards" stage of normal, if we do not remind ourselves with every breath that we have to keep moving forward.  As Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. told us decades ago, "[h]uman progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals."  Too many of us were content to let others do most of the work for us.  We trusted our votes, our representatives, and our fellow citizens to do the work that was always, only ours, but not anymore. 

The fragility of "normal" is also its promise.  While progress may be stripped at any time, it may also be regained and expanded upon.  We must become the people holding the pens that sign the laws.  We must become the voices that guide our politicians or we must find new politicians.  Hold fast.  Be strong.  What was unthinkable yesterday, is the "normal" of today.  We must "think" new thoughts now that will create a new future.  We have that power.  In November, we realized our own fragility and vulnerability. In January, we are realizing our power.  We will not win every battle, but we will not give up.  We will stand together and we will make our present and our future what we want it to be.  We define "normal."  We will no longer have that defined for us by anyone else.  Let's carry the message of the Civil Rights Movement, the promise embodied by John Lewis, Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, Nina Simone, Maya Angelou, Bayard Rustin, James Baldwin, Medgar Evers, Fred Hampton, David Dennis, and countless others, forward.

Finding Hope in the Midst of Tragedy (Originally Published on the Connected Mom 3/23/11)

The events in Japan almost two weeks ago have been enough to shell shock all of us. If you're like me, the images from over there have been hard to stomach. The numbers of those affected have been overwhelming to say the least and it's seemed surreal that life here in my home has continued to go on as usual while so many lives have been changed forever half a world away.

As I've went about my day to day life I've found myself thinking about the people in Japan (and in other places where natural disasters have hit and caused devastation like Haiti or New Orleans) and what they must be doing. How will their lives ever be normal again? What can be done to help them? What can be done in the future? I've also wondered, as a mom, how do I handle these situations when my son gets old enough to ask about them? What can I say to him when he asks me why these things happen?

Those are big questions and I'm sorry to say I don't have definitive answers for any of them. When it comes to physical aid, there are resources on-line to help you. (Older children can even help you determine the ways in which your family can help. Here's a link to get you started.) However, the more philosophical questions are especially troubling for me. What can I say when my son gets old enough to ask "why" about things that I don't know the answer to? It's one thing to explain the science of global climate change or earthquakes, tsunamis, etc. It's another to answer the emotional "why's."

In the meantime, however, my son is only a year and half and his schedule has been largely unaffected by events a world away. At the library last week, we checked out books (my boy is a voracious book listener). Because he is currently obsessed with balloons (a by product both of his increased speaking skills and my birthday two weeks ago), we checked out the book The Yellow Balloon. If you haven't seen the book before (and I wouldn't blame you if you haven't), it's a little like "Where's Waldo." There are no words, just different complex scenes on every page and together you try to find the yellow balloon wherever it is hidden. Sometimes, the balloon is pretty obvious and you find it quickly, sometimes the scene is very, very complicated and the balloon is very tiny and hard to find. My son and I had a blast finding the balloon on every page, and even when both of us would be frustrated, we kept going because we knew that somewhere on that page there was a yellow balloon. When my husband got home, we shared the book with him, but he was less than impressed. On every page, in every scene, rather than focusing on the yellow balloon, my husband kept looking for scenes of impending doom or mayhem. Even when I looked at the same images and mentioned that each scene might have some hope in it, he seemed more distracted by his perception of chaos than the hope found in the yellow balloon. (For example, in one scene a ship wrecks, but on the next page, the crew is being helped. My husband claimed that it had to be new people being helped because clearly the whole crew would probably be dead.)

It wasn't until much later in the evening that it occurred to me that what my husband was doing with that book was exactly what I (and many others) have been thinking about the events in Japan. The truth is that there are just some events so awful that there is no answer of "why" that we can accept or understand. As a mother, I can't ever answer those larger philosophical questions adequately when my son asks them. He will have to wrestle with them just as much as I do. What I can do, however, is teach him to look for the hope (no matter how slight) in even the most awful and chaotic situations. I can teach him to honor the survivors of natural disasters and to grieve with them. I can teach him to rejoice when those presumed dead are found alive. I can teach him to learn what lessons can be gleaned from tragedies. I can teach him to embrace the joy of living even in the face of tragedy. I can teach him to do what he can when he can and to not lose hope when he can't fix everything and doesn't have all the answers. I can teach him to embrace the yellow balloon.

Thanks for reading,

Connected Mom, Shawna

To Be or Not to Be a Stay at Home Parent (originally publshed on the Connected Mom 2/23/11)

I should preface this by revealing a couple of things: (1) I am a stay at home mom and (2) I don't think that everyone should be. I feel it's necessary to get those two caveats out of the way so you can know that this blog really comes from the heart and is not meant as a campaign of guilt either way. The decision to have a parent stay home is a deeply personal one that must be made by every family. I say every family because I'm pretty sure that every family at least evaluates whether or not they can afford it or whether or not they have the urge to do it (often both). I recognize that not everyone lives a lifestyle or has a partner with a job that allows "staying at home" to be an option and I respect whatever decision a family makes and truly believe that "laissez faire" is more often than not the best policy when it comes to other people's affairs.

Some people are much happier working part time or finding a work from home option than they would be going to work full time or staying home full time. I respect that choice as well. In fact, that's what I honestly thought I would do. My plan was actually to use my master's degree in English (a degree that has been gathering dust professionally for years now) to get a job teaching at a community college part time. However, when I should have been getting my resume out, there was a family emergency and by the time that was remedied, I had missed my chance at finding a job for the fall semester after my baby was born. Then a colicky baby and moving plans conspired together to keep me a full time stay at home mom, and here's what I discovered: I love it.

I don't mean that I love it ALL the time, but I do love it. Everyone has a day or two when they wonder about the grass on the other side of the parenting fence. Sometimes I spend whole afternoons or evenings wondering: What would my life be like if I didn't stay home? Would my son be a better talker by now? Is he missing out because his social experiences are limited to playdates, play groups, and the occasional mommy and me classes? Will this mean that he will have a lot more immune system building to do when he gets into school? Will anyone ever hire me to teach special ed after I take however many years I plan to take off? However, those days are actually fewer than I would have believed they'd be. The days, so far, have been busy and I find that by making time for reading and visiting with other moms (both with our children and without them), I feel every bit as "myself" as I did when I was working in a regular job. I do often evaluate whether or not there is room in my life for a part time or work from home job just because I worry sometimes about contributing to the family finances, but so far we are doing fine with just my husband's income.

I think of these years that I'm spending with my son and any subsequent children as my true retirement. Not because these years are proving to be relaxing, but because I know that every year I stay home now will probably be tacked on to the time I will need to work before I retire. We've made the decision that my husband will likely retire years before me and we're okay with that. Thinking of these years as my "golden" years helps me to realize what a special time this is. I can work until my sixties or seventies. I can travel as long as I wish. I can only be with my children while they are young once.

It is likely my son will live to at least one hundred (or at least that's what an article I read a few weeks after he was born told me). Of those hundred years, I only get the first eighteen or nineteen years. Of those eighteen or nineteen years, I only get the first five exclusively. (After that, he will likely be enrolled in school.) When you look at it that way, these years start to look "golden," indeed. There are even days when I wish the thirteen waking hours my son is up and about during the day would not go so fast. (And the days do go fast between activities, doctor's appointments, and even around the house stuff!)

I say this not as a guilt trip for those who must work (either for financial or emotional well being reasons). After all, when you come home with your children everyday, you appreciate them in a way I likely never will because I see mine all day (and night) all the time. I certainly see in my husband a kind of heightened excitement when he spends time with our son that seems more intense than my time with our son. If missing out on my career opportunities hurt as much as I currently feel not staying home would hurt, I would find a way to sacrifice and go back to work in a heartbeat. The same would be true if I really believed that my staying at home and having less income were limiting my son's opportunities or my own. I've met parents who stayed at home when their heart was not in it and neither they nor their children benefitted from it.

Instead, I offer this as a testament to how worthy the goal is of spending part or full time at home. For those who really want to stay at home, it is worth the creative sacrificing you may be doing or are planning to do to make it happen. People everywhere are sharing ingenious ideas for how to conserve money, the environment, and spend time with their children for at least part of the week. (I just read this article about a mom of six whose family has learned to economize and live sustainably on only her part time salary: http://www.burlingtonfreepress.com/article/20110218/LIVING06/110217011/Author-promotes-radical-homemaking ). It's up to you to decide what lifestyle changes might be necessary to accommodate staying at home if that's what you want. We have decided to cloth diaper, breastfeed, and we never bought jarred baby food which made things cheaper in the long run as far as typical child expenses. Others I know have cut their grocery bills by growing extensive gardens and cutting cable or internet bills. Some have downsized their houses or cut out one of their cars. If staying home is an honest dream of yours, you might be amazed at what you might be willing to do to obtain it.

For those of you who are on the fence about the decision (as I was for awhile) and do think there is a way for you to stay at home part or full time, but are unsure if you should do it, I think the best way to make that decision is to ask yourself what decision you would regret the most in twenty years. If you would regret not working or not providing money or opportunities for your family that working brings, than you know you should work. If you would regret not staying home, than you have that answer as well. No choice will make you happy 100% of the time, but the right choice will feel the most "right."

Thanks,
Connected Mom Shawna

Four Lies Sleep Trainers Tell You (And One Truth They Will Not!) (Originally published on the Connected mom 3/30/11)

I'm writing this for the mama at the end of her rope that has started letting her baby co-sleep (or is contemplating it) and is scared to death that she is doing her child a great disservice. I'm writing this for the mama who is so exhausted every night that she cries just thinking about the sun going down and another night of a crying baby. I'm writing this for the mama who is sitting in a group of other mamas whose babies are all now sleeping through the night (or are all only getting up twice a night at most) while your six (or eight) (or ten) (or eighteen) month old baby is still up five to seven times a night and you almost burst into tears wondering what you are doing wrong. (The answer is NOTHING.) I am writing this for the mama who planned to sleep train and now doesn't think it's the right thing to do. I am writing this for the mama who is thinking she doesn't have the strength to go on, but also doesn't know what she wants to do. In short, I'm writing this for the mama I was this time last year.

I need to come clean. When my son was a newborn I never questioned if I would sleep train, I only wanted to know when to start. Most of the sleep training sites I devoured on-line or read in person told me to start sleep training at the four month mark or "when my baby no longer actually needed me in the middle of the night and was waking up out of habit rather than necessity." I was assured by my reading that there would come a time when he "didn't need me" and was waking up for "attention." He just turned 20 months old and I am still waiting for that time. So, if you are reading this and you have sleep trained your baby or toddler and you think it was what you had to do and it was necessary for your family, I will not argue with you. I don't live in your house; you're the mama and I'll believe that you did (and do) what your family needs you to do and that you did it with love and respect for all your family's needs.
For those who are conflicted like I was, I offer this.

Lie #1: If you start co-sleeping with your child/rocking/nursing your child to sleep, your child will NEVER learn to sleep on his/her own.

Never is a very long time and like most "never" statements, this one is not true. How many adults fall asleep being rocked? How many still co-sleep with their parents? Not everyone was sleep trained, so obviously the child does decide to sleep on his/her own eventually. It is true that time does seem to drag on forever when you have an infant, but believe it or not, these first few years really do only last for a few years (no matter what our sleep deprived sense of time makes it feel like). It can feel like you either have to sleep train right away or you will be doing whatever you are doing "forever," but there are other options.

You will not be parenting your child to sleep forever. My great-aunt co-slept with her adopted daughter from the time she was six months old until she was five years old. Then, one day, her daughter decided she wanted to sleep in her own room and never slept in her mom's room again. This story is about a two year old who decided she was ready. Not sure you can wait until your child is between two and five? You can always sleep train when your baby is older (either a toddler or a kid old enough to reason why sleeping in their own room all night is a good thing) if that feels better to you.

Lie #2 Your child does not need to wake up after the age of four months. It is normal for the your baby to sleep through the night by then.

Just because your baby is physically capable of going without food for longer periods at four months doesn't mean that they are physically ready or emotionally capable to sleep through the night. Several doctors and anthropologists agree that many young humans are not designed to sleep through the night until the age of three or four. Even if it is your doctor telling you that your child is ready to sleep through the night keep in mind two things. (1) Your doctor sees your child for twenty minutes every one to two months while you see him/her every day and (2) doctors often only see night waking from a nutritional point of view. Your child will no longer be at risk for going into a low blood sugar coma if he/she sleeps 12 hours a night. That is hardly the same thing as your child being completely ready. Think of it this way, as an adult, you are physically capable of running a marathon, but without being physically, emotionally, and nutritionally ready, you might not be so great at it. Even with someone there to train you step by step, if you are not mentally and emotionally ready for that marathon, it will be a hundred times harder.

Another thing to think about is how much contact you have with your baby during the day. Breastfeeding hormones and milk levels are regulated by how much physical contact you have with your baby. His or her night waking and co-sleeping which is murder on your energy level at work, might be a key factor in how capable you will be at maintaining a good milk supply.

Lie #3: Sleep is a skill that you must teach your child.

That line haunted me as I struggled with a son who just could not sleep for long stretches because of problems with reflux and food allergies. I was terrified that I was failing to do my job as a mother and teach him sleep, but just think about how silly that sounds. For those who have suffered insomnia, did any amount of "training" teach you to sleep even when you were highly motivated to sleep by your own insomnia? Sleep is what Peggy O'Mara calls "an instinct," just like you don't teach your child to laugh or cry, you cannot teach them to sleep.

You can teach good sleep habits and associations, but you can't force your baby (or yourself) to sleep. You can train your baby not to call for you in the middle of the night, and that might mean you get more sleep, but that does not necessarily mean that your baby will be getting more sleep. He or she might just not bother trying to get your help. (It's this idea that has kept me from sleep training my son thus far. I value that he knows I listen to him when he calls for me and I respect that he calls me only when he needs me.)

Lie #4: If your baby doesn't learn to sleep through the night now, he or she will have sleep problems when they are older and those can be detrimental.

This is another lie that kept me at the edge of breaking into tears at any moment. What I didn't know then, but I do know now is that there is absolutely no correlation between an individual's sleep patterns as a baby or even a toddler and those of when they are an older child or an adult. Babies and toddlers are evolutionarily designed to sleep differently. Again, good sleep habits are wonderful to reinforce from the beginning and do have an effect on how an older child sleeps. If you teach your child that sleep is a fun, relaxing thing, than they will be more willing to go to sleep when older. If you teach then that sleep is a scary and lonely thing, I think that association probably does travel with them as well.

The Truth: You can survive this and so can your child. This will end one day and it will get better.

You are stronger than you think you are. Ask for help when you need it, but inside you is a survivor. Your body and your mind is more resourceful than you can ever imagine and you are not alone. I know it feels like it will never end and I know you feel like you cannot go on. I have shed your tears and I have said those words. You can get through this; if I can anyone can!

Here is what has inspired me. It's from The Tao of Motherhood by Vimala McClure:
Selflessness

Everything which endures can
only do so because Eternal
Consciousness gives it a sentience.

A mother who gives herself
completely to her infant meets
herself in the dark and finds
fulfillment.

In the hours between midnight
and dawn, she crosses the
threshold of self-concern and
discovers a Self that has no limits.
A wise mother meets this
Presence with humility and steps
through time into selflessness.

Infants know when their mothers
have done this, and they
become peaceful.

Who, then, is the doer? Is it the
infant who brings its mother
through the veil of self-concern
into limitlessness? Is it the
mother, who chooses to hold
sacred her infant's needs and
surrender herself? Or is it the
One, which weaves them both
through a spiraling path
toward wholeness?

You can sit and meditate while
your baby cries himself to sleep.
Or you can go to him and share
his tears, and find your Self.

50 Ways to Seduce a Mother (or a Father!) (Originally published on the Connected mom 2/9/11)

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought it might be fun to write a little about seduction. The true art of seduction is not to convince someone to do what you want, but to get someone in the mood to want what you want and to ask you for it. It's a subtle distinction, but an important one and it can be one that's difficult to achieve after you become a parent. (After all, it's really hard to switch gears after you've been "mommy" and "daddy" all day and you might have to slip back into those roles at any given time throughout the night.)

However, there are many romantic things you can do for your partner that will help her (or him) feel more inclined to be romantic. (And most of them are cheap and easy!) I offer these as some inspirations with a little help from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and some real life inspirations from friends. My ideas are geared toward women, but that's just because in my family, it's my husband who has the most trouble coming up with Valentine ideas and it fits better with the title to stick with "moms" as my focus, but most of these ideas will also work for men!

Seduce a Mother with:

Words:
1. Write a short love letter/post-it/email every day for a week. Say something very specific that you love about her and the way she looks. A lot of women start feeling unsexy after having children. Let her know that she still is every bit as sexy to you!
2. Compose a poem or song for her. (Bad writer/singer? No problem! You'll get bonus points for being brave and trying!)
3. Make a list with the kids of all the ways you want to show her you love her as a family. Post the list in a public place and make sure everyone tries to do something from the list every day.
4. Write her a long love letter or text like the ones you probably sent to one another when you were first together. Detail exactly how much she means to you and leave it some where she can find it!
5. Change the words to one of her favorite songs (or a love song that reminds you of her) to fit her and sing it to her. (Once again, she will only give you bonus points if singing isn't your usual thing!)
6. Get everyone's attention at dinner or another public meal and make a detailed speech/toast about her and how amazing she is.
7. Make her a mixed cd or playlist with songs that are special to you two.
8.If you have saved old emails or letters between the two of you, print them out and put them in a special book. If you have the time add pictures alongside the letters and surprise her with them.
9. Interview the kids on camera about what's special about her and have them interview you, then edit the videos together and surprise her with them. (Thanks, Nici, for the inspiration!)
10. Choose a word every day that you think describes her and slip her a note that tells her the word and why it represents her. Then find ways to use the word all day. (If you have older kids, you can co-opt them in the plan, too.)

Seduce her with Special time:
11. Surprise her by taking a day off work or getting her to take a day off work and plan different activities for you to do as a family (including all of the meals). If you have small children, make sure that you do most of the kid wrangling that day!
12. Plan a special "gift" hunt with the kids to help her find small presents that you've bought together for her. (Think gifts that are easy to hide: her favorite treat, a homemade bracelet, a small bottle of perfume, etc.) Come up with clues she can follow to get to her gifts.
13. Spend an evening with her just looking at old photos/videos/or listening to music that is special to her. Make sure she knows this is all about her memories that you want to hear about. Candlelight will definitely make the evening cosier.
14. Take her mini-golfing or some other silly activity you ordinarily wouldn't do. It's up to you if you bring the kids, but if you do, remember to be the one who steps up first to take care of them. This is about getting her in a more relaxed mood.
15. Go on a winter's walk and make her hot cocoa or tea at the end of it.
16. If you can find a sitter, take her someplace where she used to spend a lot of time before becoming a mom (to a show, to the gym, a bookstore etc.) Anyplace that will remind her of who she is besides being a mom.
17. Spend an hour or two just daydreaming about where you want to go as a couple. Dream about vacations you'd like to spend together, places you'd like to live, jobs you'd like to have.
18. Take her on a picnic. Too cold? Take her on a romantic picnic in your living room after the kids have gone to bed. Surprise her with it when she comes down from putting the kids to bed.
19. Plan a game night for the family or just the two of you. It doesn't matter what you play as long as she gets a chance to relax. Board games allow for more interaction, but if you want to play video games, that's fine, as long as she gets to choose what she wants.
20. Make a dinner or desert together after the kids go to bed. Try to find a recipe neither of you know how to make so you have to work together.

Seduce her with Gifts:
21. Give her a spa day. No money for a professional spa? No problem. Ask one of her best single friends to help you pick out lotions/face masks/whatever will make her feel refreshed and give her a girl's night to spend with that friend or team up with another couple and the two "givers' can help taking care of the kids while the two recievers get a spa day together!
22. Give her a day to go out on her own and tell her to buy for herself whatever makes her feel sexy. Tell her that you will not take no for an answer. You may be surprised by what she buys (it might be a new hair color, it might be a new cd, it might be a pair of shoes), but it isn't about her looking sexy for you. It's about her feeling sexy and that's a big difference.
23. Hire a "chef" for the night to come in and make a romantic meal (it can be a friend she knows who is a good cook). Alternatively, hire a housekeeper, an organizer, or a personal shopper for her. You know what would make her happiest.
24. Make or buy her something that you know she will use every day. Enlist the kids for ideas. It doesn't have to be something big. Just something that she can look at every day and know you care for her.
25. Make an investment in something she believes in. Is she a huge recycler, but you usually don't care much? Does she cry at ASPCA commercials? Is she a big believer in homebirth? Find a cause she cares about and make a donation. The fact that you paid attention, did the research, and contributed to her cause will mean a lot!
26. Ask her if she has a "bucket list" and make sure that you help her do something from the list! If she wants to travel somewhere buy a ticket or create a jar to save money in toward the trip. If she wants to learn how to fly, get her a lesson or create a jar to save money toward it. She'll thank you for it! (Thanks, Karen!)
27. Fund a girls' weekend or night. Get other partners involved and share the childcare and expenses!
28. Make her an appointment at her favorite salon for pampering.
29. Take the kids to pick out a small gift from each of them. Example? Buy her a charm bracelet and let each kid pick out a charm!
30. Buy her something that always makes you think of her. Does the smell of roses always make you think of her? Buy her some rose water or roses and let her know! Does the color blue match her eyes? Buy her a scarf and tell her so!

Seduce her with Acts of Service:
31. Make her dinner. Bad cook? Get the kids to help or ask relatives for easy recipes. You will get bonus points for trying!
32. Do her least favorite chore for her every day for a week.
33. Find her "to do" list and do everything on the list! (Thanks, Chris!)
34. Clean her car for her (if it's something she hates to do) or clean the snow off of her car for her. (This is something my husband excels at!)
35. Take over diaper/feeding duties for one day if you have small children.
36. Take on a house project that you know she wants done or if she really loves doing those projects but usually can't because she's tending to the kids, give her a chance to do one!
37. Give your bedroom a romantic transformation for her, buy new bedding or just change things up a bit. Bring in fresh flowers. Make the space special for her!
38. If it's been snowing a lot where you live, clear some space for the kids to play outside or clear sidewalks that don't always get cleared for her. She'll thank you.
39. Do the laundry for a week or even a month. (If you aren't sure how she likes to do it, ask for directions from either her or the kids.) Stick to it!
40. Make the bed for her (or do some other daily chore) every day.

Seduce her physically:
Note: It can be tempting to try to take these farther. Resist the urge. Let her know if she wants more!
41. Give her massage (foot/back/neck) for at least 30 minutes with her favorite scented oil or baby oil. Play her favorite music for her in the background and keep the lighting low. If she falls asleep, let her rest. She'll be more than grateful when she wakes up!
42. Make out with her. Act like you are teenagers and make out with her without pushing for more.
43. Feed her a dessert after the kids have gone to bed. This can be especially fun if she's adventurous and will risk be blinded while you feed her or letting you feed her in the dark. Finger foods are safest.
44. Spend a little time daily offering her extra touches. A few seconds extra added to a morning hug. Squeeze her hand. Take her hand when you are walking. Those extra touches add up quick over a week and can make her feel extra loved.
45. Spend time every day making extra eye contact with her. You don't have to stare her down, but eye contact of 3-5 seconds can let someone know that you are deeply interested in them.
46. Dine alone just the two of you in the dark or in low light. It might be even more fun to dine in a room you don't normally eat in, just don't freak out if a spill happens! Just laugh it off!
47. Offer to brush her hair/scrub her back or do some other small act of grooming for her. It's a gentle way to show affection.
48. Spend an evening gently tracing messages on her back and have her guess what you are writing. It sounds silly, but it can be a sweet way to show her affection.
49. Run her a bubble bath with some special bubbles and buy her a new fuzzy robe or pajamas. It can make her feel treasured and relaxed.
50. Kiss the top of her head, behind her ears, her neck, places that you probably forget to pay attention to now that you are so focused on being parents together. If you remind her of the playfulness of when you were first exploring your love, it will help her to be more playful now.

So there it is, 50 ideas to get your started. Combine them, add to them, and make them work for you! Happy Valentines Day!

-Connected Mom, Shawna

I Nursed a Baby Cow! (Originally published on the Connected Mom 2/2/11)

"How do you do it?"



(image by bonnie-brown and appears courtesy Flickr CC)

The question was asked of me in the middle of an intensely therapeutic phone conversation with my best friend who lives seven states away from me. I'd just been detailing the latest trials and tribulations of my perpetually sleepless son and his food reactions and she'd been telling me all about her two children's health issues and sibling squabbles. Her kids are only thirteen months apart and were aged 3 and 2 at the time. As a (now) single mom, she often has her own hands full. I think that was what surprised me the most about her question. It had been one that I am often on the verge of asking her! I told her this and I could almost hear her shrug over the phone. "Honestly, I don't know how I do it some days, but I just do, I guess." I had to admit that my answer was pretty much the same. I'm not sure there is any truer answer than that, but it's not the whole picture.

It seems to me that becoming a mom is like showing up for your first day of work and there's no one there to train you, you are under intense pressure to perform, and you have no idea how you are doing until years down the road! In response to this pressure, when my son was first born, I read every article I could get my hands on and studied every mom I saw relentlessly looking for whatever it was that I was apparently missing. Everyone else who had kids seemed to be happy and together and I felt like I was constantly drowing. Nothing I ever did felt completely right and everything I read seemed to give me different answers. In fact, the more magazine articles I read, the more utterly hopeless I felt! Not only did I feel like I was failing at being the kind of mom I wanted to be; I was also failing as a researcher! Meanwhile, I was terrified that someone would find out just what a mess I was and how little I deserved to be entrusted with such an amazing little soul. It's not that I didn't have a supportive partner and supportive families behind me, I just felt like I needed more . .. particularly during the hours when it was just me and the baby and prayer!

Being a mom is an awe-inspiring, powerful, and sometimes scary thing. This is especially true now, when it seems like there is so much more information out there and so many more options than our mothers or our grandmothers had. Many of us are attempting to do things that have not been done in our families for generations. Some of us are choosing (and struggling) to breastfeed, cloth diaper, co-sleep, stay home or work out of the home. Many of us live far, far away from our families in communities that may or may not agree with our choices. It's not that our mothers didn't feel the way we do about mothering, but we have many more choices and opportunities (and more access to information) than they had and that can make our decisions more difficult. There is no more "everybody's" doing it this way, because through the internet we can find people doing things in a million different ways. That's where building your own community comes in. That's where other moms come in!

I found that the more I talked to other moms, the more I realized that we were all in the same boat with many of the same insecurities and the same concerns. I also found that the more open and honest I was about my own struggles, the more forthcoming other moms would be with me both in person and online. It's important to find those moms in your community for connection as much as possible, but for times when that is not possible, it's important to also reach out online. With the internet, we have a powerful tool that our moms didn't have. We can find likeminded moms anytime of the day or not and connect with them. We can build our own "mom" communities. In fact, without my "mom" community, I don't know how I would have survived the past seventeen months. Whether it was a shoulder to cry on in a support meeting at the local yoga studio, heartfelt advice given in response to my latest status update about the trials of breastfeeding/teething/sleeping, or just desperately googling the words "my seventeen month old has never slept through the night" just to know I wasn't alone (I'm not!), other moms have lifted me up and made me believe I had strength I never knew I had before. It is through talking about their own trial and error parenting, that I've found the rhythm of my own mothering.

The only secret there is to successful motherhood is that there is no secret to it! Reaching out to others, building a community (both locally and online) is the only way to survive the greatest, most rewarding, and challenging experience of your life. Motherhood is dangerous territory and no mom should do it alone! That's why I'm so excited about joining the blog here as a contributing author. Now, I have the chance to build a community with you!


Thanks!
-Connected Mom, Shawna

The Secret to Motherhood (originally published on the connected mom 1/19/11)

"How do you do it?"



(image by bonnie-brown and appears courtesy Flickr CC)

The question was asked of me in the middle of an intensely therapeutic phone conversation with my best friend who lives seven states away from me. I'd just been detailing the latest trials and tribulations of my perpetually sleepless son and his food reactions and she'd been telling me all about her two children's health issues and sibling squabbles. Her kids are only thirteen months apart and were aged 3 and 2 at the time. As a (now) single mom, she often has her own hands full. I think that was what surprised me the most about her question. It had been one that I am often on the verge of asking her! I told her this and I could almost hear her shrug over the phone. "Honestly, I don't know how I do it some days, but I just do, I guess." I had to admit that my answer was pretty much the same. I'm not sure there is any truer answer than that, but it's not the whole picture.

It seems to me that becoming a mom is like showing up for your first day of work and there's no one there to train you, you are under intense pressure to perform, and you have no idea how you are doing until years down the road! In response to this pressure, when my son was first born, I read every article I could get my hands on and studied every mom I saw relentlessly looking for whatever it was that I was apparently missing. Everyone else who had kids seemed to be happy and together and I felt like I was constantly drowing. Nothing I ever did felt completely right and everything I read seemed to give me different answers. In fact, the more magazine articles I read, the more utterly hopeless I felt! Not only did I feel like I was failing at being the kind of mom I wanted to be; I was also failing as a researcher! Meanwhile, I was terrified that someone would find out just what a mess I was and how little I deserved to be entrusted with such an amazing little soul. It's not that I didn't have a supportive partner and supportive families behind me, I just felt like I needed more . .. particularly during the hours when it was just me and the baby and prayer!

Being a mom is an awe-inspiring, powerful, and sometimes scary thing. This is especially true now, when it seems like there is so much more information out there and so many more options than our mothers or our grandmothers had. Many of us are attempting to do things that have not been done in our families for generations. Some of us are choosing (and struggling) to breastfeed, cloth diaper, co-sleep, stay home or work out of the home. Many of us live far, far away from our families in communities that may or may not agree with our choices. It's not that our mothers didn't feel the way we do about mothering, but we have many more choices and opportunities (and more access to information) than they had and that can make our decisions more difficult. There is no more "everybody's" doing it this way, because through the internet we can find people doing things in a million different ways. That's where building your own community comes in. That's where other moms come in!

I found that the more I talked to other moms, the more I realized that we were all in the same boat with many of the same insecurities and the same concerns. I also found that the more open and honest I was about my own struggles, the more forthcoming other moms would be with me both in person and online. It's important to find those moms in your community for connection as much as possible, but for times when that is not possible, it's important to also reach out online. With the internet, we have a powerful tool that our moms didn't have. We can find likeminded moms anytime of the day or not and connect with them. We can build our own "mom" communities. In fact, without my "mom" community, I don't know how I would have survived the past seventeen months. Whether it was a shoulder to cry on in a support meeting at the local yoga studio, heartfelt advice given in response to my latest status update about the trials of breastfeeding/teething/sleeping, or just desperately googling the words "my seventeen month old has never slept through the night" just to know I wasn't alone (I'm not!), other moms have lifted me up and made me believe I had strength I never knew I had before. It is through talking about their own trial and error parenting, that I've found the rhythm of my own mothering.

The only secret there is to successful motherhood is that there is no secret to it! Reaching out to others, building a community (both locally and online) is the only way to survive the greatest, most rewarding, and challenging experience of your life. Motherhood is dangerous territory and no mom should do it alone! That's why I'm so excited about joining the blog here as a contributing author. Now, I have the chance to build a community with you!


Thanks!
-Connected Mom, Shawna