I used to be a person who believed I was really special. I believed I was smart, I believed I was attractive(ish), I believed that I knew what I was doing. . . and then I became a mom. My first experience with motherhood was tough. A trial by fire would probably be the best way to describe it. It wasn't very long before I felt as if I knew nothing and had no direction. The person I thought I was, the mom I had planned on being, none of it seemed to be panning out. At some point, I remember breaking down in tears, sleep deprived and heartbroken with a colicky reflux baby, and it occurred to me that maybe God had put me in this situation for a reason. Maybe I hadn't been listening or praying or connecting with him enough when I thought I knew everything. Maybe my self confidence (self absorption?) had cut me off with him and maybe he had sent me to take care of this particular little soul so that I could get closer in touch with my own. It was time for me to stop trying to get back to the person I thought I was and trying to work toward the person I thought I should be and to start becoming the person God always meant me to be.
Four and a half years later, I don't even remember that woman I was and I'm much happier (for the most part) with the person I have now emerged as with God's help. I look different on the outside, I feel different on the inside, I am healthier, and I feel like I am (usually) the mom my sons need and that I want to be, but I am still a work in progress. I am still failing in many areas of my life and I am still struggling to become who God wants me to be. I know it's time for me to find my confidence again. I feel like this last year has been another stripping, this time of all the things that I used to believe would give me more confidence or that would be a source of comfort or confidence. Now, I know it's just me and God and that he is all I can rely on. . . but that's a tall order. Join me on my journey.
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